


Divine Hearty Lunch

by AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic



Category: Harvest Moon, Harvest Moon: Animal Parade
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hippopotamus, Humor, Parody, grim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-07 14:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic/pseuds/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Harvest Goddess instructs Kasey to head to the Fugue Forest, she meets his loyal hippopotamus mount: Humphrey! But Humphrey is a hungry, hungry, ANGRY hippo...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Divine Hearty Lunch

"A pure heart... but yours is the purest we've seen on this continent in quite some time," the Harvest Goddess mused, rubbing her chin. There was no ignoring the sigh in her voice. "But, I suppose... I do not necessarily agree, but I do believe he may have higher standards for purity than I..."

Finn shook his head, exasperated. "How high do his standards have to  _be_ _?_ Does he want a  _nun_ or something?"

Kasey shrugged, wracking his brain for any elusive possibilities. "Well, Maya  _is_ pregnant now... maybe purity only lasted until we fu-"

"The forest witch," the Harvest Goddess interrupted, sounding a little excited. "She may be a bit of an oddity, but I do believe she could hold the key. She monitors everyone in town so carefully, obsessing over their honesty and virtue to severe extremes... she may at least be able to point us in the right direction."

Kasey raised an eyebrow. "Not to question your judgement, but if you and the King can't figure out who here is pure enough to help out, how might the Witch know?"

"I do not know," the Goddess admitted, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. "But she does engage in more... unorthodox practices that I personally know little of. It could be at least worth investigating as a possible lead." Despite her words, she sounded uncertain, and she shook her head with a small laugh. "It sounds as though I'm reaching, and I suppose I really am. But I know you believe in being thorough, regardless."

"Yeah, you got me there." Kasey shrugged. "I guess I was gonna see about her sooner or later anyway, if nothing else cropped up. I may as well get it done with." He dug in his pockets and pulled out the plastic orange whistle he'd come to love. He blew loudly into it, emitting a shrill  _fweee!_ It startled the nearby birds and sent Edge into terrified hysterics.

"A curious mode of transport," the Harvest Goddess observed, eyeing the whistle with interest. She turned her head to the spring's entrance, smiling as the ground shook with slow, heavy footsteps. "But a very lovely one, I can now see."

A large, surly-looking hippopotamus lumbered into the light, and let out a ferocious bellow. Kasey chuckled and waved it forward.

"Hey there, Humphrey!" he called, rushing forward to hug the frowning mammal. "Ready to go to the swamp, buddy?"

Humphrey snorted and began to defecate, swirling his tail around rapidly while glaring at the Harvest Goddess and her five shimmering sprites. Finn giggled, and flew forward to pat Humphrey on the nose.

"Long time no see, pal! Looks like you've been getting plenty to eat, huh?"

A blast of hot air from Humphrey's nostrils blew the startled sprite back, causing him to yelp.

"Looks like he's excited, Kasey! C'mon, let's go!"

"You bet!" Kasey prepared to mount Humphrey, but stepped back uncertainly. "Uhh... Humphrey? You okay?"

The hippo was gazing stonily at the Goddess, his expression now unreadable. She looked slightly concerned, but smiled.

"He must just be a little nervous around strangers." She bowed. "Good evening, Sir Humphrey. I am the Harvest Goddess. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Yeah," Finn spoke up, turning to her. "He probably  _is_  nervous. It makes sense! You wouldn't  _believe_  what Theodore did to those animals of his to make them run off like they-"

Kasey's frantic shout cut Finn off. "Humphrey,  _no!_ "

The Harvest Goddess screamed, her cries being lost beneath the shrieks and crunches of the other Harvest Sprites as they were quickly scarfed down by the rampaging brute. Finn ducked down the front of Kasey's shirt, quivering in fear. Kasey covered his eyes and shouted for mercy, but Humphrey ignored his pleas. He shook Edge like a frisky dog would shake a toy, before gobbling him up whole. And then he charged towards the main course.

A splattering sound and a wail were all Kasey heard before the deafening silence.

Not even the birds dared stay to chirp in the trees.

A low, contented moan and a dull  _flump_  caused Kasey to cautiously uncover his eyes.

The clearing was empty... so red, so very red, but so empty. Not even the Harvest Goddess remained... only her tree. Her lively, beautiful tree.

Humphrey shuffled off toward the spring and submerged himself in the water, grumbling quietly. Kasey sank to his knees, trembling uncontrollably, and retched into the grass. He heaved until he was doing little more than choking up spittle, and he wiped his eyes free of the hot tears that streamed down his cheeks. He was entirely unaware of the cold creeping in around him. With the Goddess dead, her protection over the spring had faded, and the blizzard raging outside was slowly seeping inward. Humphrey grunted in irritation as the water began to ice over, and he took out his annoyance on an unfortunate Arowana.

"I... F...F-Finn... let's go see the Witch, Finn. Let's... go see her..."

Finn said nothing, simply laying atop Kasey's head in a catatonic state. Even as Kasey nervously, and carefully, roused Humphrey from the spring and straddled his back to trek off to the Fugue Forest, nobody said a word. There was only the howling of the cruel blizzard raging through the dead, empty spring.

**Author's Note:**

> Hippos are violent creatures. When I saw Kasey summon Humphrey at the spring in Animal Parade, and saw that the clearing was suddenly EMPTY save for him and Finn, I knew deep down in my heart what had happened.
> 
> I refuse to believe otherwise.


End file.
